just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
