weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
