You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
