in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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