she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
