I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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