Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
