im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
