Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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