Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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