Can i not drive my cunt home
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
