i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
