I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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