honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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