Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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