Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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