i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
