I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
