My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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