I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
