I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
