Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
