she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
