i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
