Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
