he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
