Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
