The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
