No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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