guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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