If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
