It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
