remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
