My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
