I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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