i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
