Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Enjoy the penises
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
