I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
