i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize