having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
