i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
