I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
