I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
