you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
