Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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