I heard we made out
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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