'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
