Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
