: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
