the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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