On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
